An Open Letter

Intro: I have had some of my thoughts turned upside down lately.  I've been evaluating my relationships and not liking what I see in my own heart.  I hope this can be an encouragement to anyone who is in a similar place.   

 

 

 You asked what I meant by "my reactions feed into" an unhealthy relationship with Dad.  I don't really know if I'm right or not, and since I'm not at home, I don't really have a quick way of checking to see if I am on the right track.  So I'll just tell you my thoughts. 

I personally have tended to shut Dad out because I am used to doing so.  If he was mad or non-understanding when I was growing up, then I got used to just living without him as an important part of my life.  When we were at the **** family's house, I realized it was a big trust area.  Like, you don't deserve for me to tell you what I am actually thinking. 
[Side note: I am an expert at telling people enough that they think I am including them in my life without actually including them.  Now, I am def not blaming this on my relationship with Dad.  I think it is just a coping mechanism that I tend to be good at, and one I have utilized in my relationship with Dad.]

So, in the past couple of years when Dad was expressing interest in my life, I would just push it off as I had always done.  (editor's note: I don't remember many details about feelings from being a kid, so a lot of this is conjecture based on my reactions to things now)

The spiral is >>>>>  Dad expresses interest --> I remain closed while maintaining a minimum appearance of openness --> Dad can't respond to how I am feeling because I haven't actually told him --> Dad either senses that I am not letting him into my life or senses my disrespect at his ineffectual advances because he doesn't have the requisite information to respond effectually --> the disrespect leads to me wanting to tell him less and frustration and lack of interest on his part.....

So, in this I see a couple of different important aspects 1) Dad has been expressing interest 2) I am the one who has to break this cycle.  Dad can, at most, choose to prolong this cycle.  I have to choose a new cycle.

Now, as I work to break this cycle, it grows the other way.  When I let him know what is actually going on, I think he can perceive that as respect.  He responds in a favorable way, leading me to respect him more, and then I am more open to sharing.....

Several things can break the positive cycle 1. Me not sharing and slipping back to the original cycle Solution - share 2. Dad still not responding in a favorable way Solution - talk to God and learn to respect Dad anyways.  Thinking of giving Dad trust that he doesn't "deserve" is a very real way of demonstrating love.  Whether Dad responds in a favorable way or not, I can choose to stay on that new cycle.

Now, this is just my working hypothesis for now.  Any cycle should include God and mine doesn't really include Him.  Therefore, I'm pretty sure that I don't have it right.  I, therefore, expect that I will need to rework that hypothesis in the future.  At this time I don't have the needed information to rework my hypothesis and it seems to be working fine for now.  As I said, not living at home allows me to get away with a hypothesis further from the truth because the results are slowed down so much.

I hope that made at least a little bit of sense.  It was good to write that down.

VACA!!!!

So, my boss let me off for a week just so I could join my family for a quick jog over to the east coast.  My family was gone for about 2 weeks, and I got to tag along for the last week:)  Thought I'd share a couple pictures and what we got to see.

A friend was kind enough to let me drop by on my way through southern Michigan, and we grabbed some smoothies, then I had to skip town and drive to Cleveland, where I caught my first EVER commercial plane ride.  What I learned about flying - safety announcements sound sillier in person then in movies, you should pack your short legs if you picked the cheapest flight you could find, and pay extra for a window seat if you are flying for the first time.

My family picked me up in Boston, and the next morning we took a tour of the Freedom Trail through the company Lessons on Liberty, with our tour led by Mr. Michael Szkolka..  I definitely recommend that company over some of the larger ones because the tour had the goal of learning history rather than stirring up patriotic feelings.  That afternoon, on our way to a campground on Cape Cod, we stopped at Plymouth Rock.  Ok, that rock is just crazy.  They have it in its own little rock monument building, and it is just so cheesy!  I mean, guys, it's a rock.  I really wanted to pull an Errol Flynn on it, but you couldn't even touch it!  I guess in earlier days, the townspeople kept a hammer and chisel handy for souvenir seekers who dropped by.

The men of the U.S. Life Saving Service were incredible.  That is what we learned the next day at Old Harbor Station, which should be a stop on anyone's trip to Cape Cod.  Their motto was that you had to go out, but you didn't have to come back.  The tour guide told us a story of a rescue the men accomplished where the 6 of them pulled 1200 lbs of equipment through the sand, into the teeth of a storm (the weather was too bad to take the horses out), over 2 miles to rescue a boat.  They set up all their equipment, when the boat lurched another half mile, so they packed their stuff up, moved everything to the new site, rescued the sailors, and had everyone back in I don't remember how much time but it was really amazing.  We think it was 3 hours.  

While at the beach, we "swam", saw seal heads, and whale spouts, and read The Scarlet Pimpernel (not all of it, but D did finish reading the book to us on the trip).  Also, went hiking in a spot that was spectacular and amazing and beautiful.  Reminded (again) that I can't read hiking maps.


D (my sister) decided that since we were driving through Rhode Island and it was so small, we should do something memorable there.  So in true family fashion, we ate food.  Introducing --- The Classic Cafe.  Yeah, I'll remember RI fondly.

New York played host for a small period of time.  Summary - it has a large skyline, I would like to go back, and the froyo of Jersey City wasn't great.  Got to see my friend from the Island on our way through Pennsylvania, which was much better than the sidetrip to Hershey, PA, although we did get a small bag of free candy there.  And finally, we ended the trip at our grandparent's house and went to a barn dance.

I'd say it was a successful week.  Also, I won't tell you who it was in The Scarlet Pimpernel! You'll just have to get your own sister to read it to you! Oh, and I started the book The Zookeepers Wife on the trip and I am excited to finish reading it.

S.PS.  (sad postscript) - My friends Nina, Vasil, and Miro left the island to go back home to Bulgaria, but I have tentative plans to visit them next summer in their country!

My beautiful family

Our beautiful hiking spot and lake

The Classic Cafe

Post Card in the Big Apple!

Ground Zero Memorial

                                           

Ha,ha! Our Jersey City campsite.  That is turf.  You can see the Statue of Liberty from the parking lot.  There was a construction site for a parking garage next door.  Good times with family!  $83

Very confused on the subway.  Well, not really. Well, kinda. "Don't worry, sir.  We do this every day."

Adventuring Feet

This summer, I have been trying to keep in mind that for me this season is about people and places rather than working or money.  I easily find myself working extra hours, doing nothing out of the ordinary on my off times, and avoiding the thoughts about my return home to an “adult” life that first in a box and follows the whatever-step-plan to the usual life.  Granted, I was totally blindsided by the realization that an adult job is not a bad thing and that making 1/3 of what I was making at home as significant influence (or at least, SHOULD) on my spending habits.  I have learned that a routine, my routine, was important to me.  Having friends around, studying jiu-jitsu…. These made it feel like home.  

On the flip side-

When I signed up for this island, I thought it was simply a goal I held inside as a leftover from college.  Not like a “last fling” because I didn’t plan on giving up doing fun things, but I didn’t expect the other things that I have learned from this summer.  And these new things have resulted in two fun, and rather odd goals, that kind of snuck up on me but have been building for a while. 

1)    I want to work on an old time masted sailing ship. 

2    2)    I have a desire to have a house where learning is loved, where the dining room table is open to an abundance of friends and acquaintances of varied backgrounds, and where hospitality, based in the love of Christ, and encouraging and learning from others are dominant features.

So, in conclusion, this island has helped me to further refine the balance of being an adult while still enjoying the life that God has blessed me with.  YOLO, but with a striving to make the most of each day, not YOLO to do stupid things.  It is ok to have adventuring feet, and it is also ok to be an adult.

Things I have done since I posted last:

Chillin’ with Hugh (the Jamaican houseman from the Lake View Hotel) while 300 feet up in the air. AKA parasailing.

Took a trip to Traverse City, where I did the following: camping, hiking, looking out of Old Mission Point Peninsula Lighthouse, wading in Lake Michigan, a sail on the Manitou (an old time sailing vessel, see goal #1), walking downtown a bit, found a painting I want to buy that only cost $5900, getting as much fresh fruit as I had cash left, and going to a booksale at the local library.

Went on a porter jam with some of my coworkers.  This is an event where you bike around the island (all 8 miles of it) and at each mile you stop and have a beer or a shot or drink.  In my case, you drink some Squirt and snack on your brownie.  It was a lot of fun and ended by sitting in a tree, the guys peeing out of the tree and trying not to hit our bikes (I was the only girl there), and sharing a beer with a random guy who passed.  Good times.

Hung out with my pal Misti who came up and visited.  Side note: we sold her bike! She had been trying to sell it for quite some time, but apparently I had just the touch:)

I learned that I am actually introverted, not extroverted, which explains a few things!

I went to Taquamenon Falls with my friend Brian. We hiked 8 miles.  No one died.

 

Drove down to Ohio to celebrate the marriage of two precious friends, Nigel and Karen Ewan. During the weekend, I got to chill with my friends, ride my roomie’s motorcycle, watch an outdoor play with Kelli and Connor, and go to an EDM club (electronic dance music) where I dodged getting beer spilled on my by nearby dancers and did the chicken dance in the strobe lights.  And went to taco bell (that deserves its own sentence)

NEXT WEEK MY FAM IS VISITING!!!!!     

Weather: It was summer here for almost 2 whole weeks!  I realized I lived on an island and should therefore spend more time in the water.  One day, when I was complaining about the weather, I realized it was…. Wait for it…. 85 degrees.  Yesterday, I wore my winter hat.  Did I tell you I like this island?

I went on a hayride with my coworkers. We waved at everyone.

I attended a vintage baseball game. And ate Cracker Jacks.

Hammocked on the side of a steep hill. Kinda felt like I was on a cliff.  It was spitting rain.  A kid thought I was a hanglider. 

Pictured Rocks National Lakeshore

Well, it has maybe been a little long since I was on here.  What can I say?  I’ve been feeling more at home up here…. Can you tell?  

I took a whirlwind trip up to Pictured Rocks National Lakeshore last week.  It was a-maze-ing!  It was so beautiful.  The first night I slung up my hammock, but woke up in the middle of the night to raindrops splashing on me (I don’t have a rain tarp yet), so I jumped into my car and slept there for the night which was kinda small but more comfortable than I remembered.  The next day I hiked 10 miles and visited chapel falls, chapel rock, mosquito falls, and a whole bunch of beautiful forests.  Then, on my way out, I was driving on the very muddy road and trying not to get stuck when I splashed into a big puddle too hard and my car turned off and the hood started steaming!  I coasted out of the puddle and just sat there for a minute to catch my breath.  I tried to start the car, but it wouldn’t catch, just turned over.  So I popped the hood, and everything was wet.  Peaked under the car and nothing was hanging off.  There was no cell signal up there, but I did have my camping stuff if worse came to worse.  So I waited for about 15 minutes and read a brochure so I didn’t freak out unnecessarily.  And then my car started and I was very relieved and thankful and I drove out. 

I camped that night at site 7 of little beaver lake campground.  I decided to attempt to start a fire in spite of having a history of failed attempts.  It was going fairly ok, when the neighbor guy came over and gave me a hand with some lighter fluid.  And then when I was figuring out how to cook my spam, he came over and helped me get the grill unstuck and let me have the extra 2 hamburger buns that he and his son and nephew hadn’t used.  So nice!  That night I slept in my tent and super tucked down in my sleeping bag because I was cold!  The next morning I woke up after my neighbors had packed up and left but there was a granola bar and a chocolate milk sitting on a stump outside my tent for me.  So Mr. Franco from Dearborn, MI, Thank you so much!

Then I scooted out, drove the 2.5 hrs back, and made my ferry by about 5 minutes.  Whew!

My breakfast - Thanks Franco!

 

Chapel Rock 

That is a root growing from the tree and its rock to the main land

Beautiful

Beautiful

Lake Superior was kinda cold.  But I was there!

Chapel Falls

My brother would be proud 

That is the puddle that killed my car - It looked a lot bigger in person

Drying everything out after I got home

Getting Into the Swing of Things

I guess I’m finally starting to get comfortable here.  Finding things to do and meeting people.  Or at least getting used to the people I’m around :)  The streets have been getting really busy but everyone keeps saying “Just wait!”  Sometimes for work I have to bike around during the day.  There are carriages and bikes and porters and people standing in the middle of the road taking pictures (don’t be those people) and little kids chasing seagulls and people who look the totally opposite way and then step out in front of you (…. hooray, you looked?).  I kinda enjoy it.  It is like living life on the EDGE!!!!  Sort of.  I want to start a collection of people taking pictures.  I’m trying to subtly work on it.  I’ll catch you up on the highlights of the last couple weeks.

 

Lady Slipper

 

Eric and Susan!

 Do you see where that little bench is?  Well, I was sleeping

on the fallen tree on the other side of that rail.

A court martial at the fort

 That water is so clear!!!

First, there was the night that I forgot to get my key out of my room and Alex, my roommate, accidentally locked me out.  I couldn’t get a hold of her on the phone and by that time it was midnight, so I figured it was too late to wake up the housing manager and I would just sleep on the chair in the shared living area of my room block.  Well, that was a good plan, except my roommates invited some people over for a party and there were only so many rounds of the adult version of heads up that I was willing to take, (tried playing for a bit…. Did terrible!)  so I decided to go for a walk till they cleared out.  It had been raining out, so everything was wet, but thankfully it had slowed down to just a slow, dripping rain.  So I walked over to the west bluff (a friend knew where I was) and ended up taking a nap in the most unusual place I have ever slept (see picture).  It looks uncomfortable, but was actually comfortable and relatively dry.  I woke up when I got cold and walked back to my housing, but peeps were still there.  So then I walked to the woods near my house and found a nice bush and slept under that.  Yes, I slept under a bush.  And then, around 4:30, people were gone and I slept in the living room and then I got up and worked both of my jobs! 

Second, I watched the most fantastic sport ever!  It is called street hockey, except they didn’t play it on the street but on grass.  It was intense and fun and I want to find friends who will play it!

Third, I attended the 28^th Annual Taste of Mackinac.  It was a picnic event where area wineries and breweries and island restaurants each brought some of their food and drinks and for $20 you could try unlimited stuff.  I met Eric C. and Susan W. while I was standing in line, so I hung out with them and had a great time!  They were visiting the island from Chicago and made the event much more fun :)

Also, I went wading in Lake Huron, I found some lady slipper flowers, I visited the Mackinac Fort, Ultimate Frisbee is starting next week, there is weekly square dancing on the island, and I got to do a little jiu jitsu.