An Open Letter

Intro: I have had some of my thoughts turned upside down lately.  I've been evaluating my relationships and not liking what I see in my own heart.  I hope this can be an encouragement to anyone who is in a similar place.   

 

 

 You asked what I meant by "my reactions feed into" an unhealthy relationship with Dad.  I don't really know if I'm right or not, and since I'm not at home, I don't really have a quick way of checking to see if I am on the right track.  So I'll just tell you my thoughts. 

I personally have tended to shut Dad out because I am used to doing so.  If he was mad or non-understanding when I was growing up, then I got used to just living without him as an important part of my life.  When we were at the **** family's house, I realized it was a big trust area.  Like, you don't deserve for me to tell you what I am actually thinking. 
[Side note: I am an expert at telling people enough that they think I am including them in my life without actually including them.  Now, I am def not blaming this on my relationship with Dad.  I think it is just a coping mechanism that I tend to be good at, and one I have utilized in my relationship with Dad.]

So, in the past couple of years when Dad was expressing interest in my life, I would just push it off as I had always done.  (editor's note: I don't remember many details about feelings from being a kid, so a lot of this is conjecture based on my reactions to things now)

The spiral is >>>>>  Dad expresses interest --> I remain closed while maintaining a minimum appearance of openness --> Dad can't respond to how I am feeling because I haven't actually told him --> Dad either senses that I am not letting him into my life or senses my disrespect at his ineffectual advances because he doesn't have the requisite information to respond effectually --> the disrespect leads to me wanting to tell him less and frustration and lack of interest on his part.....

So, in this I see a couple of different important aspects 1) Dad has been expressing interest 2) I am the one who has to break this cycle.  Dad can, at most, choose to prolong this cycle.  I have to choose a new cycle.

Now, as I work to break this cycle, it grows the other way.  When I let him know what is actually going on, I think he can perceive that as respect.  He responds in a favorable way, leading me to respect him more, and then I am more open to sharing.....

Several things can break the positive cycle 1. Me not sharing and slipping back to the original cycle Solution - share 2. Dad still not responding in a favorable way Solution - talk to God and learn to respect Dad anyways.  Thinking of giving Dad trust that he doesn't "deserve" is a very real way of demonstrating love.  Whether Dad responds in a favorable way or not, I can choose to stay on that new cycle.

Now, this is just my working hypothesis for now.  Any cycle should include God and mine doesn't really include Him.  Therefore, I'm pretty sure that I don't have it right.  I, therefore, expect that I will need to rework that hypothesis in the future.  At this time I don't have the needed information to rework my hypothesis and it seems to be working fine for now.  As I said, not living at home allows me to get away with a hypothesis further from the truth because the results are slowed down so much.

I hope that made at least a little bit of sense.  It was good to write that down.